The Soundtrack of my Life

Last night, I finally got around to watching the Grey's Anatomy episode from last week, the one with all the singing?? I must say there is a surprising level of talent on that show. I must also say that the concept was lame and so was the ending. There was no cliff for me to hang on to. The baby was doing okay and she woke up and could talk. What else is there to see next week?? 

I was thinking, however, after seeing it that I would love for my life to have a soundtrack. Then I thought again, well it already does. I'm constantly listening to music on my iPhone, at my desk at work, or cleaning the house. When I'm not listening to music I'm playing music or thinking about music in my head. One could say then, that there is a constant soundtrack going on. For that reason, isn't it amazing that there are so MANY songs to choose from? 

There's nothing like being really angry and needing something just as angry to turn to. For me, it depends on the type of angry. After my divorce, I needed a song that was angry, but also had a hint of, "Screw you, I'm moving on". For that occasion I turned to "Gives you hell" by the All-American Rejects. When I'm having a horrible day that just won't end, I listen to "Smells like teen spirit" by Nirvana. 

When I'm in a great mood, there's nothing like an upbeat song to keep me keepin' on. Like, "When life give you lemon make lemonade" by The Boy Least Likely To, or "Shake It" by Metro Station. There's a song for every mood. I also like listening to new music and letting each new artist I like introduce me to another artist I might enjoy. Pandora is really good for this, or using the "iTunes suggests" section to create a path to an artist or group you never would have heard before. 

I truly believe that with the right song, you can do anything or feel anything. There are some songs that no matter where I am or what's going on in my life, they bring up a certain sadness. Not an outright, "bring tears to my eyes" sadness. Just a melancholy, or deep appreciation almost. One such song would be "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. Not really sure what it is about the song, but it might just be the way she sings it. Another song would be "Heaven is a place on earth" covered by Katie Thompson. This song is supposed to be beautiful, and sweet, but her version just brings about this deep sadness. 

Right now, my soundtrack is being provided by The Script. There's something fresh and original about their music. Not the singles they released (though I like them), the rest of their albums. Check it out if you have a chance. 

In the mean time, I want to leave you with this thought from a great song, "Begin, be not afraid. Fall in, the day is brave." Whatever you have to do, do it completely with all you have. To music! 

Weightloss...

One of the best ways to ensure your top surgery is successful is to be a close to your ideal weight as possible. I am, sad to say, not anywhere near that. I was mentioning this to my cousin, and she has a brilliant idea. Why not have a pound-a-thon. Have people pledge me for weight loss. I thought... oh that might work!

So I've started a website:

https://sites.google.com/site/poundsforsurgery/home

Hopefully a lot of people will pledge at least a $1 a pound. My goal is 30lbs before surgery. I'll keep updating this blog and that website with my success stories. Today begins my healthy living for the next several months, and hopefully I can average the 2 lbs a week weight loss I need to hit my goal.

Wish me luck!

Delicious-ness

I may have mentioned before that I'm a good cook. Actually, I love cooking. So many people in my life don't get why I like it so much, but there's so much I like about it. For instance, seeing a fruit or vegetable and getting inspired to try something new, right there on the spot. Or perhaps the therapeutic qualities in the repetition of stirring a pot of soup. Or the magic of having a gravy or cream sauce come together right before your eyes. Amazing.

There is so much about cooking to love, but I would have to say the top of my list is the look on someone's face when you serve them a meal that is both delicious and beautiful to look at. See, that's the key my friends. You must make your meal appear appetizing. Some foods just can't be made to look delicious, so they must overwhelm the recipient with aromas too appetizing to refuse. When I get it right, the look is indescribable. There is this anticipation and pure happiness. 

I don't bake or make sweet things very well (or very often as a result.) Making savory things that make people's mouths water is an art. When you read this, do not read that I think I'm perfect, or that it happens for me every time. Neither of those things are true. Sometimes people are pleased but don't give you that look. However, the times that I have gotten that look cannot be beat. For that reason alone I would cook, but thankfully there are so many more reasons. 

The hardest thing for most people to understand is how I can come home from a horribly long day and cook a meal for someone else. I have one simple answer, for me, cooking is relaxing. I know of nothing else that soothes my soul like the smell of onions and garlic, or the feeling of my knife in my hand. There's nothing quite like the sound of a boiling pot of water with delicious pasta rolling around inside. Or the incredibly strong and overpowering scent of balsamic vinegar hitting a screaming hot pan (be careful with this one, there's nothing like the searing pain in your nostrils if you catch it at full strength.) The smell of red wine and mushrooms is something you cannot miss. How can these things NOT relax you? 

Cooking is not work. Cooking is or should be fun and relaxing. A lot of things do not work right the first time you try them. So you do them again and again until they do work right. Some recipes are really hard and frustrating. Those are meant for lazy Sunday afternoons where you are already relaxed and up for a challenge. So friends, take a chance and make something you would have never made before or at least try changing your attitude about cooking to something that's less of a chore and more of a delight. 

Bon appetit!

Last night

Setting up this blog was a rather large deal for me. I've blogged a couple of times, but for more personal gain. While this is still for personal gain, the whole world gets to read it. That's new, and a touch scary. However I truly believe I am in a great position to show how "normal" my life is. Hopefully many will infer that other trans people's lives are also "normal"and generally what you would expect from people of their gender at their age.

Last night, for example, was a regular kind of night. I came home from work not feeling all that well. I still don't feel well actually. I have a head cold in case you are curious. However, last night I had taken out chicken-apple sausage to make a pizza. I had fully intended to cook, but my girlfriend got home and wanted to cook for me. So at first, I said okay.

She decided to do the dishes first, and then started picking up the apartment a little bit at a time. I was started to get antsy about having dinner soon. So she started getting stuff out of the fridge that we would need, and I couldn't handle it. I HAD to make dinner. Something came over me that was like, "You should be cooking. You want to cook, get in there and do it." So I did.

She was, of course, a little put off by it at first, but I had her help me. I taught her how to hold a knife correctly and she sliced the sausage up for me. I showed her how to caramelize onions, and the whole thing really was quite fun and relaxing once I was in control.

Chicken apple sausage pizza, with caramelized, balsamic onions, spinach, and gorgonzola cheese.... Delicious. It was truly excellent. I would upload a photo, but apparently the server does not approve of my photo selection. I will have to do it some other way.

After dinner, we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I killed it at Wheel. I got all of the puzzles before the contestants, and most importantly before my girlfriend. (I'm a bit competitive.) She worked hard at some grad school stuff and was fluttering all about the entire time. I just kicked back, with a throw blanket, all of the extra pillows on the couch, and the remote. Ahhh... the way life should be, but usually isn't.

To wrap up my post, just remember how regular and seemingly "normal" that night seemed, because honestly, the rest of my nights are about the same and just as boring. Until next time...

LIA SOPHIA- Purchase Jewelry and Support Surgery

While Lia Sophia is perhaps not the most socially aware or progressive, my girlfriend, Elizabeth is! She's having me host a show online for folks to order jewelry. If you order jewelry, 100% of the commission from the sale will go towards MY SURGERY!

So think of all of the women in your life, (or perhaps the man in your life that likes women's jewelry??) and take out that wallet. Not only are you supporting a good cause, you are also buying your mother's day gift, that birthday present you needed, or just getting yourself something pretty to wear.

If the entire show hits $3,500 in sales, everyone who purchased will receive a free jewelry item!

If you'd like to purchase something, please visit:

www.liasophia.com/elizabethsnide

Click, "Our Jewelry"
Type my name as the "Hostess" (see what I mean about socially progressive?) "Kristopher Ward"
Then click, "Go", a pop-up should appear, click my name again.
Then, happy shopping!

Or, let me know and I'll send you a link to a personalized page. Just provide me your email.

Thank you for your support in whatever way you can provide it.

The Genesis

8 years ago I made a realization: my outside gender did not match my inside gender. I had known for a long time that this was true (perhaps since kindergarten if not earlier) but I had no words to understand it. I was a first year in college when it finally clicked and I had the words. 

Sitting in my Intro. to Women's Studies class one day, I understood how different my thought process truly was from the women around me. We were having an in depth conversation about the scientific research completed about the way a woman's brain processes information in any given situation, and that they have proven scientifically that women and men do process differently. Some of the women started talking about how they think, and I could not agree with what they were saying. I was combative and argumentative about it, causing a good amount of tension in the class. 

The following week was the first week of October, and the beginning of Domestic Violence Awareness month. My professor brought in a guest speaker, Michael Kauffman. He was the founder of the "White Ribbon Campaign," an organization of men shedding light on the violent tendencies of men and showing support of the women in their lives. Michael Kauffman held a seminar the next night for the men on campus and began explaining the male thought process and how men handle situations. It was this conversation that solidified for me that I was more male than female. That my brain and emotional process was male, even though my physical self was female. 

I began researching exactly what this meant. I had heard of the terms transgender and transsexual, but I needed to understand more. After completing my research, I came to understand that I was transgender. I found out that the next steps were to start therapy and to truly understand everything I was thinking and feeling. Then after that, I could begin hormone therapy and consider surgery. It's been 8 years since then, and I've done the therapy, and I'm on the hormones. It's been a long road, but I truly am in the best place I have been in a long time. 

Now, however, I have determined that surgery is necessary. That is what this blog is about. There are three major surgeries a transman like myself can consider. Top surgery, the surgery to form a male chest out of whatever you were born with, hysterectomy, and bottom surgery of some kind. There are many options for bottom surgery, and unfortunately, at this time, they are not 100% effective. The surgeries you choose are entirely up to you. At this point, my first surgery will be top surgery. 

At this time, I have the surgery date booked, hotel room reserved, flights booked, and support system set up. The only thing that's left really is saving for the surgery costs. Here's the break down: 

Surgeon costs: $5900

Flights to FL: $650

Hotel for 9 days: $690

Food for 9 days: $200

Transportation: $150

Total cost: $7590

Deposit: $500

Amount saved already: $1200

Planned Savings: $4000

Amount left to save/raise: $1890

Now, if anyone has any great ideas to raise this money, please don't hesitate to give a shout. I've only got 4 months to raise it, and I would love to raise more than this. That includes a loan from my best friend that I would prefer not to have to take. I'm going to be a personal chef for folks (assuming anyone is interested), I would babysit, I am even considering selling Pampered Chef for some extra money. I'm up for anything... as long as it's legal!

Send your ideas and thoughts my way!